Ever felt like calling someone bitch? Or, ever felt like slamming someone's face on the wall or just slapping that someone? If you do, then you know what I mean.
Seriously, I don't know why the past few weeks have been rather weeks of people trying to annoy me. I mean, it's like there were just someone who's lining up to annoy me every single day. I mean, literally, every day.
However, all cannot be compared to what this person did to me. I mean, seriously, who the hell she thinks she is? Someone higher than me? Damn!! What, only she has the right to be angry? I mean, if you do wrong, and I said something politely, why are you vending your anger on me when you're the one in the wrong? So I have no right to correct her? Wtf!!!
Someone should really be taught some manners. I mean, what's with the face? If you're angry, just say it. Don't just project it on your face to let everyone sees but still don't want to say anything, and when above all, you don't have the right to be angry because you're in the wrong. I mean, really what the fuck. If anyone's seen that piece of shitty face, they definitely would have torn the face up if that's legal. And when she needs something, she'll just show the "angelic" face. Oh!!! Just cut the crap.
Haih...........I don't know why someone can be so lack of courtesy and manners. I really hope that I would not someday do what I said above. Rather, I wish someone could knock some manners into her head.
Lost
After four years studying medicine in this unreasonable university, I realize that I have somehow lost myself along the way. I know, that I had addressed this problem so many times before another revelation hit me just now, but funny as it is, I still lost myself so many times.
Before I got this scholarship, I had a vision of me helping those helpless or sick, with either my skills as a doctor or with my personality of being cheerful always to help my patients to be optimistic in whatever they're going through.
As years gone by, beaten by the never ending failures and stress of exams, I've lost so much of myself along the way that I don't know if I'm still the same person as what I used to be - cheerful and optimistic. What more to say, to use the personality I've adapted over the years to help people to be optimistic. It's rather more likely that I will cause my patients to suffer because of my pessimism.
I was aiming to be a doctor who will help to cure people who has no capability to have their health taken care of, i.e. I was dreaming to become a doctor not because of the promising pay that this profession has to offer. But, after having a conversation with a friend a few days ago, and reviewing my own point of view, I realized that all I was thinking about was how to make more money as a doctor such as looking for countries which pay best. So, what has become of me that had a beautiful vision of just helping people?
In the end, I don't know how I got so lost in this path of mine. I don't know when did I start to lose sight of my vision. And I don't know what kind of human have I become.
Before I got this scholarship, I had a vision of me helping those helpless or sick, with either my skills as a doctor or with my personality of being cheerful always to help my patients to be optimistic in whatever they're going through.
As years gone by, beaten by the never ending failures and stress of exams, I've lost so much of myself along the way that I don't know if I'm still the same person as what I used to be - cheerful and optimistic. What more to say, to use the personality I've adapted over the years to help people to be optimistic. It's rather more likely that I will cause my patients to suffer because of my pessimism.
I was aiming to be a doctor who will help to cure people who has no capability to have their health taken care of, i.e. I was dreaming to become a doctor not because of the promising pay that this profession has to offer. But, after having a conversation with a friend a few days ago, and reviewing my own point of view, I realized that all I was thinking about was how to make more money as a doctor such as looking for countries which pay best. So, what has become of me that had a beautiful vision of just helping people?
In the end, I don't know how I got so lost in this path of mine. I don't know when did I start to lose sight of my vision. And I don't know what kind of human have I become.
Skiing course and making friends
After a week in the mountain in an attempt to master the skill of skiing, I experience more things than just skiing.
First, of course, there's the skiing part. Super hard sport. I realized I'm not as fearless as I thought I were. Did not get to skied much due to bad weather and of course bad skills...Hahahaha... And I also found out that I'm actually quite spoiled...
Made lots of friends. Got to know better some people. There's this friend I knew before. He was teaching me at the beginning. After this course, I know more about this person who seemed crazy on the outside. He's someone who cares about you but at the same time forces you to learn and making sure that you do. Super stern when teaching. There's this time in the slope when I fell, and there's this another friend who wanted to try and help me but this friend of mine stopped him, saying I should learn how to unlock my skis myself and not be dependent on other people. And after climbing down from a snow cliff, this friend forced me to climb up myself because he wanted to make sure I know how to climb a snow cliff myself next time. I must say, I'm really grateful to this friend because in the end I know how to ski partly because of him.
Speaking of helping me, the friend that almost helped me but was stopped, he was someone I knew from first year but just never talked to him because I just thought that he's a typical snob. But surprisingly, he was the one who guided me and stopping my fall most of the time. Super grateful to this person.
During the whole skiing course, because the only people I know before going were only two people. And because these two people always just stick to themselves and found each other interesting, I had no choice but to mix with other people. I realized that if you take the initiative, you can actually gain more than you think. For example, if I did not take the initiative to break away from these two people and went to the activity room to meet with people, I would have missed making some good friends.
Some of my friends commented how I'm more sociable now. That's also because I realized there's so much possibilities of meeting good people if you just take the initiative. And I now enjoy making new friends. I just think that the world is such a big place, if someone does not think I'm interesting, there's bound to be other people out there who would not mind my "un-interesting-ness" and talk to me. And there are people out there who's genuinely sincere in caring for you and being your friend.
First, of course, there's the skiing part. Super hard sport. I realized I'm not as fearless as I thought I were. Did not get to skied much due to bad weather and of course bad skills...Hahahaha... And I also found out that I'm actually quite spoiled...
Made lots of friends. Got to know better some people. There's this friend I knew before. He was teaching me at the beginning. After this course, I know more about this person who seemed crazy on the outside. He's someone who cares about you but at the same time forces you to learn and making sure that you do. Super stern when teaching. There's this time in the slope when I fell, and there's this another friend who wanted to try and help me but this friend of mine stopped him, saying I should learn how to unlock my skis myself and not be dependent on other people. And after climbing down from a snow cliff, this friend forced me to climb up myself because he wanted to make sure I know how to climb a snow cliff myself next time. I must say, I'm really grateful to this friend because in the end I know how to ski partly because of him.
Speaking of helping me, the friend that almost helped me but was stopped, he was someone I knew from first year but just never talked to him because I just thought that he's a typical snob. But surprisingly, he was the one who guided me and stopping my fall most of the time. Super grateful to this person.
During the whole skiing course, because the only people I know before going were only two people. And because these two people always just stick to themselves and found each other interesting, I had no choice but to mix with other people. I realized that if you take the initiative, you can actually gain more than you think. For example, if I did not take the initiative to break away from these two people and went to the activity room to meet with people, I would have missed making some good friends.
Some of my friends commented how I'm more sociable now. That's also because I realized there's so much possibilities of meeting good people if you just take the initiative. And I now enjoy making new friends. I just think that the world is such a big place, if someone does not think I'm interesting, there's bound to be other people out there who would not mind my "un-interesting-ness" and talk to me. And there are people out there who's genuinely sincere in caring for you and being your friend.
World revolving around one person
After so many years, I have gotten quite used to just standing at the side and just watch what's going on around a boy and a girl, or maybe more boys and more girls. What's good about this on-going drama is that I'm actually having the VIP seat and not involved in the drama. Hahahahaha...
Okay, I'm starting to sound like a super bad person by making an entertainment out of someone's misery.
Haih..................... I feel like saying something but somehow I feel like I'm going to get into another mess if I do, so I will just keep my mouth shut. Imagine my face going red and almost bursting because I'm seriously holding a lot of thoughts and words in. I know this moment will pass and at least I won't regret later for saying something I shouldn't. Hehehe...Definitely learnt my lesson after so many times getting into messy troubles for just saying my thoughts on my blog...( I wonder where's the freedom in writing anyway)
All I can say is that I learnt something from a drama that's super related to this matter. In this real drama, a well scripted one and with real actors and actresses, not the live ones around me, there's this girl who like this boy but this boy doesn't like her. They were best friends. Girl confessed to boy. Boy rejected because he just did not like her, not because he likes someone else. This boy and girl remained as close friends. Girl saw hope in everything the boy did. Even in super minor things. Boy finally saw that it's impossible. So he told the girl that they should keep a distance because if they remained as friends, the girl somehow kept on seeing hope in everything he does. So it's for the better that they keep a distance.
I just had a bit of feeling when I watched this part when the guy told the girl that they should keep a distance. It's just so true. It's not that the guy is a bad guy but because he is thinking for the girl, to do what's best for the girl. Okay, to clarify my innocence that this is not some makeup drama by me, the title of the drama is "Inborn Pair" around episode 50? So if anyone read this and feels it's related, please...I'm seriously not trying to criticize or making any stupid comment okay..
It's true the girl will be heartbroken and maybe cry for a long time, but she will get over it and then just feel stupid for all the things she did. At least, she moves on and not stuck in some limbo of forgetting about the guy or keep on waiting.
So who say you can't learn anything from drama? I learn so much leh...........Hehehe...
Okay, I'm starting to sound like a super bad person by making an entertainment out of someone's misery.
Haih..................... I feel like saying something but somehow I feel like I'm going to get into another mess if I do, so I will just keep my mouth shut. Imagine my face going red and almost bursting because I'm seriously holding a lot of thoughts and words in. I know this moment will pass and at least I won't regret later for saying something I shouldn't. Hehehe...Definitely learnt my lesson after so many times getting into messy troubles for just saying my thoughts on my blog...( I wonder where's the freedom in writing anyway)
All I can say is that I learnt something from a drama that's super related to this matter. In this real drama, a well scripted one and with real actors and actresses, not the live ones around me, there's this girl who like this boy but this boy doesn't like her. They were best friends. Girl confessed to boy. Boy rejected because he just did not like her, not because he likes someone else. This boy and girl remained as close friends. Girl saw hope in everything the boy did. Even in super minor things. Boy finally saw that it's impossible. So he told the girl that they should keep a distance because if they remained as friends, the girl somehow kept on seeing hope in everything he does. So it's for the better that they keep a distance.
I just had a bit of feeling when I watched this part when the guy told the girl that they should keep a distance. It's just so true. It's not that the guy is a bad guy but because he is thinking for the girl, to do what's best for the girl. Okay, to clarify my innocence that this is not some makeup drama by me, the title of the drama is "Inborn Pair" around episode 50? So if anyone read this and feels it's related, please...I'm seriously not trying to criticize or making any stupid comment okay..
It's true the girl will be heartbroken and maybe cry for a long time, but she will get over it and then just feel stupid for all the things she did. At least, she moves on and not stuck in some limbo of forgetting about the guy or keep on waiting.
So who say you can't learn anything from drama? I learn so much leh...........Hehehe...
A "cocktail" of emotions?
Confidence + shock + scare + calmness + annoyance + revelation + wisdom + gratefulness = Pathophysiology test!!!
So first stage, I had confidence after I finished the test, because it seemed that I had answered quite well. Second stage, absolute shock when the result came out - got the lowest mark ever after getting 0 in my mandarin test when I was in secondary school. Third stage, fell into absolute despair because I was scared like a puppy with its tail in between its legs because I just realized I did rather badly and fear of how I would fare in the looming exams that are coming. Fourth stage, annoyed after looking at the mistakes or rather the stupidity of the test answers and questions. Fifth stage, a sudden revelation that I should study harder and should stop my usual activities, at least try to, or maybe partially...Well, it's hard to give up something you've spent all your time on for so long. Sixth stage, had the wisdom of planning how to study which is easier to do than executing the plan. Final stage, after everything, I just realized something, I have great friends who are there to support me. I didn't realize at first because I was busy being annoyingly sad over my failure. After everything came to pass, I realized that the whole time after my test result came out, my friends were there cheering me on and making sure I was ok. Really am grateful for them!!! =)
And all these happened in merely five hours after my test. What a rollercoaster ride of emotions!!!
So first stage, I had confidence after I finished the test, because it seemed that I had answered quite well. Second stage, absolute shock when the result came out - got the lowest mark ever after getting 0 in my mandarin test when I was in secondary school. Third stage, fell into absolute despair because I was scared like a puppy with its tail in between its legs because I just realized I did rather badly and fear of how I would fare in the looming exams that are coming. Fourth stage, annoyed after looking at the mistakes or rather the stupidity of the test answers and questions. Fifth stage, a sudden revelation that I should study harder and should stop my usual activities, at least try to, or maybe partially...Well, it's hard to give up something you've spent all your time on for so long. Sixth stage, had the wisdom of planning how to study which is easier to do than executing the plan. Final stage, after everything, I just realized something, I have great friends who are there to support me. I didn't realize at first because I was busy being annoyingly sad over my failure. After everything came to pass, I realized that the whole time after my test result came out, my friends were there cheering me on and making sure I was ok. Really am grateful for them!!! =)
And all these happened in merely five hours after my test. What a rollercoaster ride of emotions!!!
A jab in the "old wound"
Sometimes, when people refer to me as the "repeat" student, I feel like a stab in my pride. Like I'm being branded as something as a "lower" being kinda thing...Despite the fact that I know that they didn't even know what they're saying is actually kinda hurting in a way.
That's when I think maybe, a bit too much. I'll keep on thinking about my failure again. There was once, a person told me, "After you've passed whatever exam you failed in, you move on right." Well, I guess, for an outsider, there's no way a person could understand the feelings that we have regarding repeating year.
No, we don't move on. I mean, that is, at least for me, I don't. The thought of me failing will always be stuck inside my head, and I will always think about how things should have been and so on and so forth. When I look back on things that I've achieved, achieving straight A's in my A-level, being the first one to finish all exams when I was in first year and first semester of second year, I'm not trying to brag about my achievements, but can anyone even imagine, just how much the blow to my pride when I somehow ended up repeating year? It's like you're enjoying your view at the top of a skyscraper and someone pushed you off the edge kinda feeling is the feeling you get. And imagine that's what you're supposed to live with for the rest of your life.
Still, people can just be so indifferent about how we feel. They don't even know the amount of time we spent convincing ourselves that we're not that stupid at all or, that we're not a failure. But I guess, no one could ever understand that unless they've been through it. What I would say is, I'm really proud of what I've managed to pull myself through...being at the bottom of a well and drowning in my own misery and then working hard to pull myself up again... I can only assure you is that, this is not something anyone can do...And that's why I'm proud to say, I've made it!!!
Yet, sometimes when people who don't understand you, belittle your efforts and the turmoils you've been through, it's just mind-blowingly maddening. I mean, for once, they should just stop saying things they don't understand and get into people's shoe. If they couldn't do that much, they should have the courtesy to shut their mouth.
That's when I think maybe, a bit too much. I'll keep on thinking about my failure again. There was once, a person told me, "After you've passed whatever exam you failed in, you move on right." Well, I guess, for an outsider, there's no way a person could understand the feelings that we have regarding repeating year.
No, we don't move on. I mean, that is, at least for me, I don't. The thought of me failing will always be stuck inside my head, and I will always think about how things should have been and so on and so forth. When I look back on things that I've achieved, achieving straight A's in my A-level, being the first one to finish all exams when I was in first year and first semester of second year, I'm not trying to brag about my achievements, but can anyone even imagine, just how much the blow to my pride when I somehow ended up repeating year? It's like you're enjoying your view at the top of a skyscraper and someone pushed you off the edge kinda feeling is the feeling you get. And imagine that's what you're supposed to live with for the rest of your life.
Still, people can just be so indifferent about how we feel. They don't even know the amount of time we spent convincing ourselves that we're not that stupid at all or, that we're not a failure. But I guess, no one could ever understand that unless they've been through it. What I would say is, I'm really proud of what I've managed to pull myself through...being at the bottom of a well and drowning in my own misery and then working hard to pull myself up again... I can only assure you is that, this is not something anyone can do...And that's why I'm proud to say, I've made it!!!
Yet, sometimes when people who don't understand you, belittle your efforts and the turmoils you've been through, it's just mind-blowingly maddening. I mean, for once, they should just stop saying things they don't understand and get into people's shoe. If they couldn't do that much, they should have the courtesy to shut their mouth.
Break-up
Every break up is definitely straining both physically and emotionally, except probably in those cases where the relationships didn't have a correct start to begin with. But when you started a relationship, you never thought of breaking someone's heart or having your heart broken.
Initiating a break-up is not something easy, in contrast with what they portrayed in movies or dramas. These movies or dramas did not exactly focus on the one initiating the break up but rather on the one who had their hearts broken, which of course, increases the depression of the one initiating the break-up.
When someone says that he or she wants to back out from a long relationship, and he or she says, "It's not your fault. It's totally my fault." For one thing, they really do mean it. When you breakup with someone, it means you're breaking all the promises to the other person while you were in the relationship. The promises such as, "You will always be in my life...", "We will have a happy future together..", "I will be by your side always..", "I will always protect you and never hurt you..." etc.
However, when you find out that you can't see the future with that someone, and that you think that the other person deserve someone better, it's like you're actually walking back on your promises. It's like you're telling the other person, "My future will not have you...", "We will never have future together..", "I will never be by your side..." and "I will only hurt you more.."etc.
The one who is initiating the breakup will have to go through the torments of these thoughts before they do it. The guilt, the embarrassment, the thought of the sufferings you're going to inflict on the other person can definitely drive you crazy. You blame yourself for not being able to stay faithful and not being able to persuade yourself to include the other person in your life. Yet, not being able to wholeheartedly fulfill the promises seems more cruel to the other person. A short term pain is definitely better than a long term pain.
So, in the end, you decided to tell that someone you want to back out from the relationship. You see that person falls into despair. You see the world around that person seems to crash down right in front of your eyes, like a snow globe being smashed to the ground - a perfect but imaginary world being crashed. You wish that you could turn back the time, to the time where you never made the promises...to the time when you did not agree to the relationship.. to the time when the other person have never known you...no matter how grateful you are for the memories you have together.
Then you'll try to persuade yourself that the other person would only be sad for the time being and he or she would come around somehow. You would hope that the other person would not hate you after that, to the point of even erasing the memories between you. But if hatred or anger could help that person to be better, it still seems all the better. And you'll hope that someday, another person would heal the hurt that you've given to the other person.
Initiating a break-up is not something easy, in contrast with what they portrayed in movies or dramas. These movies or dramas did not exactly focus on the one initiating the break up but rather on the one who had their hearts broken, which of course, increases the depression of the one initiating the break-up.
When someone says that he or she wants to back out from a long relationship, and he or she says, "It's not your fault. It's totally my fault." For one thing, they really do mean it. When you breakup with someone, it means you're breaking all the promises to the other person while you were in the relationship. The promises such as, "You will always be in my life...", "We will have a happy future together..", "I will be by your side always..", "I will always protect you and never hurt you..." etc.
However, when you find out that you can't see the future with that someone, and that you think that the other person deserve someone better, it's like you're actually walking back on your promises. It's like you're telling the other person, "My future will not have you...", "We will never have future together..", "I will never be by your side..." and "I will only hurt you more.."etc.
The one who is initiating the breakup will have to go through the torments of these thoughts before they do it. The guilt, the embarrassment, the thought of the sufferings you're going to inflict on the other person can definitely drive you crazy. You blame yourself for not being able to stay faithful and not being able to persuade yourself to include the other person in your life. Yet, not being able to wholeheartedly fulfill the promises seems more cruel to the other person. A short term pain is definitely better than a long term pain.
So, in the end, you decided to tell that someone you want to back out from the relationship. You see that person falls into despair. You see the world around that person seems to crash down right in front of your eyes, like a snow globe being smashed to the ground - a perfect but imaginary world being crashed. You wish that you could turn back the time, to the time where you never made the promises...to the time when you did not agree to the relationship.. to the time when the other person have never known you...no matter how grateful you are for the memories you have together.
Then you'll try to persuade yourself that the other person would only be sad for the time being and he or she would come around somehow. You would hope that the other person would not hate you after that, to the point of even erasing the memories between you. But if hatred or anger could help that person to be better, it still seems all the better. And you'll hope that someday, another person would heal the hurt that you've given to the other person.
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