Well, what can I say?
Total depression. Not that much, but once in while during the day, somehow the kick of depression just suddenly set in.
But then, there was once when I closed my eyes, thinking, suddenly a picture flashed into my mind as I rubbed my hands. I saw that my hand was covered with blood and then I saw the wound of Jesus's hands. And I somehow saw Him resting His hands on my head.
I knew that He meant to tell me something but I was confused. However I was calm after that. When I went to the shower, something my friend in church told me came into my head. He said that we don't have to worry because God is on our sides. Why fear? We don't have anything to fear.
Well, somehow things just fell into place. The vision that came into my mind was to remind me that I have HIM. He's there with me. He has even chose to die for me, what else that He won't do?
Anyway, I'm still confused as well. But then again, the vision was as vivid as it can be and I was somehow touched by the vision. I couldn't even explain the feeling. I was overwhelmed with sadness when in one part of the vision, I saw Him falling under cross.
Wait, I think I figured it out. We all have our own crosses to bear. Jesus didn't even give up when He fell under the weight of the cross for three times and that He was heading to the place where He would die, and yet He didn't give up. I shouldn't give up as well when my own cross couldn't be heavier that His.
Stress
Stress. I wonder how many millions or probably every student feel this "feeling" when they are studying. I bet too many times they felt like that every time there's exam, pressure from elsewhere (most likely, from their own pride...yada yada yada.)
Anyway, while I was studying physiology just now, I was suddenly in "stress" mode without any reasons. Probably from the fact that my stupid exam is like, er, less than a week away and that I am still like halfway through.
Then, I started thinking. Why am I stressed over exams? Why? I thought about most likely it's because I want to just pass my exams and then get my ass back home. Well then, I was thinking, what's the point then of studying medicine? The moment I started thinking about this, it hit me. The purpose of me studying medicine was not because of anything but because of wanting to become a useful doctor in the future that can help others.
So, to become useful, I need knowledge right? Isn't that the whole purpose of studying medicine in university? And I realised, exams are just the proof of the level of our knowledge rather than one of the milestones. I mean, after all I chose to study medicine not because of the exams right?
So many times, my purpose of becoming a doctor was being "polluted" by the many exams that came my way and still are coming my way that I totally forgot about it. And that this whole thing is just a journey to my final goal.
I guess it's harder to do than say when you're supposed to think about going home and all. Yeah, that's one of the main things that keep on bothering me about how fast I should pass my exams and all. And I would say, this is also one of the things that clouded my vision.
Wait, I think I kinda deviate from my original thinking. Anyway, I was watching about a video where a medic student commited suicide because of the amount of stress he had. So I was wondering, why he would do that when the purpose of studying medicine was not just because of passing the exams? I mean, didn't he make the choice of studying medicine because he wanted to help people?
In the end, what's the reason that cause people to be stress when they're studying medicine? Is it because of passing the exams? Or, is it because of the amount of knowledge that we need to know? If it's because of exams, why do people choose to study medicine? Is it because of passing exams? Or, is there any other purpose?
Anyway, while I was studying physiology just now, I was suddenly in "stress" mode without any reasons. Probably from the fact that my stupid exam is like, er, less than a week away and that I am still like halfway through.
Then, I started thinking. Why am I stressed over exams? Why? I thought about most likely it's because I want to just pass my exams and then get my ass back home. Well then, I was thinking, what's the point then of studying medicine? The moment I started thinking about this, it hit me. The purpose of me studying medicine was not because of anything but because of wanting to become a useful doctor in the future that can help others.
So, to become useful, I need knowledge right? Isn't that the whole purpose of studying medicine in university? And I realised, exams are just the proof of the level of our knowledge rather than one of the milestones. I mean, after all I chose to study medicine not because of the exams right?
So many times, my purpose of becoming a doctor was being "polluted" by the many exams that came my way and still are coming my way that I totally forgot about it. And that this whole thing is just a journey to my final goal.
I guess it's harder to do than say when you're supposed to think about going home and all. Yeah, that's one of the main things that keep on bothering me about how fast I should pass my exams and all. And I would say, this is also one of the things that clouded my vision.
Wait, I think I kinda deviate from my original thinking. Anyway, I was watching about a video where a medic student commited suicide because of the amount of stress he had. So I was wondering, why he would do that when the purpose of studying medicine was not just because of passing the exams? I mean, didn't he make the choice of studying medicine because he wanted to help people?
In the end, what's the reason that cause people to be stress when they're studying medicine? Is it because of passing the exams? Or, is it because of the amount of knowledge that we need to know? If it's because of exams, why do people choose to study medicine? Is it because of passing exams? Or, is there any other purpose?
Surprised again
Once again, I was surprised by how God is always there, trying to talk to us through different mediums and ways.
Today, in the Holy Mass, the priest gave a homily that really touched me because I was able to relate to it after what I have been through. He listed 3 main points.
First, how Jesus always prayed before he made a big decision or did something. Likewise, we should do so. For things great and small, we can always pray to God for help and guidance before anything.
Second, who God is to us? He said, one thing very clear is what we are to God. To Him, we are His children and He loves us so much. He is always there with us, taking care of us. He tries to prevent us from being hurt and gives us the best things. This was the part where I was touched. I knew that, in that instant, that God was telling me that He loves me even though what has happened and that He has His reasons. He is there with me all the time. And so what is He to me? He's a friend and a father.
Third, we have to carry our own crosses in this life. The priest was telling about a story where a man asked God he needed help to escape from the things that were happening in his life. So God agreed to help him, he asked him to choose a cross from many in a room while He's waiting outside. When the man came out and told God which cross he had chosen, he told God that he's thankful for the cross that he's bearing in his life and that he's thankful that God was always with him while he's bearing his cross. I realised that in life there are many crosses that we have to carry, but God is also there with us through every step we take.
I'm so grateful for the message that I received today. He's truly there.
Today, in the Holy Mass, the priest gave a homily that really touched me because I was able to relate to it after what I have been through. He listed 3 main points.
First, how Jesus always prayed before he made a big decision or did something. Likewise, we should do so. For things great and small, we can always pray to God for help and guidance before anything.
Second, who God is to us? He said, one thing very clear is what we are to God. To Him, we are His children and He loves us so much. He is always there with us, taking care of us. He tries to prevent us from being hurt and gives us the best things. This was the part where I was touched. I knew that, in that instant, that God was telling me that He loves me even though what has happened and that He has His reasons. He is there with me all the time. And so what is He to me? He's a friend and a father.
Third, we have to carry our own crosses in this life. The priest was telling about a story where a man asked God he needed help to escape from the things that were happening in his life. So God agreed to help him, he asked him to choose a cross from many in a room while He's waiting outside. When the man came out and told God which cross he had chosen, he told God that he's thankful for the cross that he's bearing in his life and that he's thankful that God was always with him while he's bearing his cross. I realised that in life there are many crosses that we have to carry, but God is also there with us through every step we take.
I'm so grateful for the message that I received today. He's truly there.
One and half year has passed so fast!!
It's finally the time for me to say goodbye to a friend I met in church. I can't believe that one and half year has passed.
I can still remember clearly when we met the first time and when he told me that he would be here for one and half year. And time really passed way to fast.
Well, I wanted to have dinner with him before he left but then, my stupid exam is still hanging. If only I passed my exam, i would have gone out. So, in the end, I was just able to have a chat with him after our mass today and we parted.
A brief parting and weird that it's that fast as well. Will definitely miss him cause he was the one who sat beside me during every mass. Now, I would have to sit alone again. Sigh........
I can still remember clearly when we met the first time and when he told me that he would be here for one and half year. And time really passed way to fast.
Well, I wanted to have dinner with him before he left but then, my stupid exam is still hanging. If only I passed my exam, i would have gone out. So, in the end, I was just able to have a chat with him after our mass today and we parted.
A brief parting and weird that it's that fast as well. Will definitely miss him cause he was the one who sat beside me during every mass. Now, I would have to sit alone again. Sigh........
I'm actually a very slow person
Hahaha...well yeah, practically, the failure of physiology exam has hit me quite hard. Even harder than I thought. I mean, seriously, I'm now blogging again about it.
One thing though, my friends were always on the watchout for me to show any signs of depression. That's one thing I really appreciate of them. I didn't realise that until today when I recapped things that had happened these past few days.
I must admit, when I first failed, all I felt was nothing. Yup, nothing at all. Except probably a little bit of anger towards my professor. But other than that, I was fine. I was able to tell the whole world (not exactly, but those that i've met) that I failed. In fact, when I told them, everyone showed me the "worried" face which I quickly dismissed by saying that I was okay.
Eventually, it hit me. I started thinking when I found out that I couldn't study at all. I kept on pacing up and down my apartment, trying to find my concentration. Slacked off for almost 3 days before I finally admitted that I needed to think about my whole situation.
Funny thing and a thing that I totally appreciate and was touched by was, that whole time before I realised my own depression, my friends were already on "stand by", kinda like preparing the cushion for my fall. One of my friends kept on messaging me, telling me that it's ok and kept on asking me if I was ok and encouraged me. One of my housemates was checking on me everytime, as in not that obvious but she did almost try to sneak a peek to see whether I was ok whenever I walked pass her room or something like that. My other housemate, surprisingly, kept on asking me if I was ok.
Maybe I was showing that I was depressed without me realising it and without me realising that I was depressed myself. Then, after I finally took the time to admit the amount of stress that I was under, I decided to postpone my exam. I talked to one of my housemate. When I went over to my friends' apartment, they comforted me and supported me. When I told the housemate who was keeping track of me the whole time, her reaction was that of relief, like she was relieved that I was finally facing and solving my problem.
It's funny how things turned out to be. When I told Yeng Tong before this that I don't think I can take failure, it turned out to be true after all. I always thought that I would be able to accept it. I finally realised that I was not as tough and careless about my study as I thought I was. God showed me so many things throughout this whole incident - friends that truly care for me; what it meant to fall and climb up again; and that He, the Almighty, cares for me, holds every single tear that I cried and is there always.
This is the final account of what I felt after the first time I failed my exam and I shall not dwell in the past anymore.
One thing though, my friends were always on the watchout for me to show any signs of depression. That's one thing I really appreciate of them. I didn't realise that until today when I recapped things that had happened these past few days.
I must admit, when I first failed, all I felt was nothing. Yup, nothing at all. Except probably a little bit of anger towards my professor. But other than that, I was fine. I was able to tell the whole world (not exactly, but those that i've met) that I failed. In fact, when I told them, everyone showed me the "worried" face which I quickly dismissed by saying that I was okay.
Eventually, it hit me. I started thinking when I found out that I couldn't study at all. I kept on pacing up and down my apartment, trying to find my concentration. Slacked off for almost 3 days before I finally admitted that I needed to think about my whole situation.
Funny thing and a thing that I totally appreciate and was touched by was, that whole time before I realised my own depression, my friends were already on "stand by", kinda like preparing the cushion for my fall. One of my friends kept on messaging me, telling me that it's ok and kept on asking me if I was ok and encouraged me. One of my housemates was checking on me everytime, as in not that obvious but she did almost try to sneak a peek to see whether I was ok whenever I walked pass her room or something like that. My other housemate, surprisingly, kept on asking me if I was ok.
Maybe I was showing that I was depressed without me realising it and without me realising that I was depressed myself. Then, after I finally took the time to admit the amount of stress that I was under, I decided to postpone my exam. I talked to one of my housemate. When I went over to my friends' apartment, they comforted me and supported me. When I told the housemate who was keeping track of me the whole time, her reaction was that of relief, like she was relieved that I was finally facing and solving my problem.
It's funny how things turned out to be. When I told Yeng Tong before this that I don't think I can take failure, it turned out to be true after all. I always thought that I would be able to accept it. I finally realised that I was not as tough and careless about my study as I thought I was. God showed me so many things throughout this whole incident - friends that truly care for me; what it meant to fall and climb up again; and that He, the Almighty, cares for me, holds every single tear that I cried and is there always.
This is the final account of what I felt after the first time I failed my exam and I shall not dwell in the past anymore.
Casting Crowns - Who Am I
Casting Crowns - Who Am I
Who am I?
That the Lord of all the earth,
Would care to know my name,
Would care to feel my hurt.
Who am I?
That the bright and morning star,
Would choose to light the way,
For my ever wandering heart.
Bridge:
Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.
Chorus:
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.
Who am I?
That the eyes that see my sin
Would look on me with love
And watch me rise again.
Who am I?
That the voice that calmed the sea,
Would call out through the rain,
And calm the storm in me.
Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
Not because of who I am,
But because of what you've done.
Not because of what I've done,
But because of who you are.
I am a flower quickly fading,
Here today and gone tomorrow,
A wave tossed in the ocean,
A vapor in the wind.
Still you hear me when I'm calling,
Lord, you catch me when I'm falling,
And you've told me who I am.
I am yours.
I am yours.
I am yours.
Whom shall I fear
Whom shall I fear
I am yours..
I am yours..
Casting Crowns - Praise You In the Storm
Praise You in This Storm
I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.
Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away
Chorus
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
Chorus
Made the hard decision
Was in a total depression yesterday. I know I'm a very slow person for the failure of physio to really take its effect on me. I was in despair not because I failed but rather the trauma of having to face the exam again. The face of Prof. Pokorny that kept on flashing into my mind. The scary face was making it all hard for me to focus.
Then I thought what's the chances of me passing if I take it next week. Frankly, I know that it won't be any better than my previous attempt and I was really afraid of failing again. I don't want to waste my second chance just like that and I kept on thinking and thinking to the point that I almost broke down yesterday.
What I wanted was confidence that I can pass at least one subject. I mean, if I were to take my physio again next week, and if I fail again, I don't think I want to retake again the following week so I would have to postpone it to august and I would be left with just one chance. Then I don't think I would be able to focus on my biochem after my second failure and I would for sure screw that up as well and I would have to retake it in September which means both my subjects would clash which is of course not good.
So, in the end, I concluded it that I would at least pass one subject before I go back to Malaysia and have full confidence for both subjects. =)
When I first failed, I knew that it's really my fault. I was too nervous that I was like an idiot that answered all sorts of nonsense. After the exam, then all the answers just came into my mind. Felt like a total idiot.
But I know for everything there's a reason. I know God was there with me during the exam and I know He has reasons for things that happened.
Thank God for sending me wonderful friends who helped me and gave me advise through this ordeal. I really thank God for them.
Learnt an invaluable lesson from this first time failure and I hope I did mature from this.
Then I thought what's the chances of me passing if I take it next week. Frankly, I know that it won't be any better than my previous attempt and I was really afraid of failing again. I don't want to waste my second chance just like that and I kept on thinking and thinking to the point that I almost broke down yesterday.
What I wanted was confidence that I can pass at least one subject. I mean, if I were to take my physio again next week, and if I fail again, I don't think I want to retake again the following week so I would have to postpone it to august and I would be left with just one chance. Then I don't think I would be able to focus on my biochem after my second failure and I would for sure screw that up as well and I would have to retake it in September which means both my subjects would clash which is of course not good.
So, in the end, I concluded it that I would at least pass one subject before I go back to Malaysia and have full confidence for both subjects. =)
When I first failed, I knew that it's really my fault. I was too nervous that I was like an idiot that answered all sorts of nonsense. After the exam, then all the answers just came into my mind. Felt like a total idiot.
But I know for everything there's a reason. I know God was there with me during the exam and I know He has reasons for things that happened.
Thank God for sending me wonderful friends who helped me and gave me advise through this ordeal. I really thank God for them.
Learnt an invaluable lesson from this first time failure and I hope I did mature from this.
First time
Yesterday, I experienced the feelings of what other people always said - the feelings of failing your exam.
Went to my physio exam yesterday. Failed it. Regret that I failed. Angry at the examiner for failing me for a reason that is not sufficient.
The examiner actually failed me before he asked me any physiology questions regarding my question. He asked me anatomy questions which of course I have forgotten like super long time ago. And before he failed me, he told me, "I know this is not a physiology question but anatomy. But you should know it." I was like....(jaw dropped)
I mean, for one thing, he always said that we don't need to know about anatomy as long as we know where the brain is situated. So what's with the question?
When he failed me, he was very mean as well. His face's expression was that of annoyance. I mean, I should be the one who's angry ok. But as stupid as I was, I some more apologized to him before leaving.
After that, I didn't know what to feel. I mean, I was not sad at all. I was more like, kinda expected that I would fail. When I walked back, I was really confused about what I should feel.
Then, as the day went by, different emotions set in. I felt frustration.
Later, uncertainty.
Depression.
Confusion about what I should do.
Fear that I might fail again.
Sudden impulse to just pack my suitcase and go home.
Wow!! So that's how they all felt before. What an experience! Not a very good one, but yeah, I finally got to get the taste of it. Sigh..............................................
Went to my physio exam yesterday. Failed it. Regret that I failed. Angry at the examiner for failing me for a reason that is not sufficient.
The examiner actually failed me before he asked me any physiology questions regarding my question. He asked me anatomy questions which of course I have forgotten like super long time ago. And before he failed me, he told me, "I know this is not a physiology question but anatomy. But you should know it." I was like....(jaw dropped)
I mean, for one thing, he always said that we don't need to know about anatomy as long as we know where the brain is situated. So what's with the question?
When he failed me, he was very mean as well. His face's expression was that of annoyance. I mean, I should be the one who's angry ok. But as stupid as I was, I some more apologized to him before leaving.
After that, I didn't know what to feel. I mean, I was not sad at all. I was more like, kinda expected that I would fail. When I walked back, I was really confused about what I should feel.
Then, as the day went by, different emotions set in. I felt frustration.
Later, uncertainty.
Depression.
Confusion about what I should do.
Fear that I might fail again.
Sudden impulse to just pack my suitcase and go home.
Wow!! So that's how they all felt before. What an experience! Not a very good one, but yeah, I finally got to get the taste of it. Sigh..............................................
A prayer to be shared
The Peace Prayer of Saint Francis of Assisi
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.
Grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
Lord, make me an instrument of your peace;
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.
Grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.
A birth and a death
It's that time again - the time where I'll be scared to go to church because of the haunting guy I said before. Seriously, I really want to avoid him, but as tomorrow's the last time I'm going to see this other friend of mine who will be leaving for good, I have no choice. Sigh...........And to top the fear of meeting the haunting guy, I have to face separation with my friend.
Anyway, before I get sidetracked again, need to talk about this thing seriously. Although I get to know about this news for quite a while now, it was until I saw my cousin's msn status that it actually dawned on me - my relatives actually died. Yeah, my cousin-in-law together with the baby inside her passed away in a car accident that involved my cousin's whole family. Luckily, my cousin and his other 4 kids were safe. Injured but at least alive. It's really a sad thing really. Although I don't even know who she was or was any closer to this cousin of mine than I was close to her, still, I feel sad. I realised that, for every family, the only thing that everyone hopes for would be that our family will be safe and sound. Like my cousin-in-law's family, they were actually expecting my cousin's family's arrival from Miri to Sibu when they met the accident. Seriously, I feel sorry for their loss.
Then, yesterday, I received another news about my younger cousin gave birth to a baby girl. Yeah, younger cousin. Should I highlight that? Well, basically the fact that she actually got married before my brothers and me, we're definitely getting the pressure. Anyway, that's not the main point here. And from what I heard from my family, it proved that my cousin's seriously too young to be a mother. I'm not judging or anything, but then again, if people say that I'm immature, well, they should really meet her. So imagine, her having a child?
Anyway, before I get sidetracked again, need to talk about this thing seriously. Although I get to know about this news for quite a while now, it was until I saw my cousin's msn status that it actually dawned on me - my relatives actually died. Yeah, my cousin-in-law together with the baby inside her passed away in a car accident that involved my cousin's whole family. Luckily, my cousin and his other 4 kids were safe. Injured but at least alive. It's really a sad thing really. Although I don't even know who she was or was any closer to this cousin of mine than I was close to her, still, I feel sad. I realised that, for every family, the only thing that everyone hopes for would be that our family will be safe and sound. Like my cousin-in-law's family, they were actually expecting my cousin's family's arrival from Miri to Sibu when they met the accident. Seriously, I feel sorry for their loss.
Then, yesterday, I received another news about my younger cousin gave birth to a baby girl. Yeah, younger cousin. Should I highlight that? Well, basically the fact that she actually got married before my brothers and me, we're definitely getting the pressure. Anyway, that's not the main point here. And from what I heard from my family, it proved that my cousin's seriously too young to be a mother. I'm not judging or anything, but then again, if people say that I'm immature, well, they should really meet her. So imagine, her having a child?
A Father's Feelings
Was looking through my younger cousin's wedding photos after getting to know that she's giving birth today. Ya, YOUNGER cousin. Anyway, I saw these few photos with her father aka my uncle inside.
You know, it's you can see the expression on his face that he's worried and like kinda hard to let go of her kinda expression. Looking through the photos, it's like he's worried how she's going to be in the future and like worried if the wedding can go smoothly or not. And stuffs like that.
This uncle of mine, I've known him like for my entire life. Of course, I think he knew me when I was still in my mom's womb. A very fatherly figure. Was one of the very few family members who sticked and defended my family when my father passed away. Like everyone abandoned us that time, but he was with us most of the time.
Unfortunately, sometimes doing good deeds doesn't always have good consequences. His family is like a wreck kinda thing. I'm not passing judgement but basically, his family kinda still stay with him because he gives them money but he doesnt have any status at all in his family. They asked him to pay for things more than he can earn, like different kinds of mortgages and all and forcing him to do different kind of jobs so that they can have whatever they want which could be considered luxury. It's kinda sad actually.
But still, through it all, he still loves his family especially his children. The pictures definitely showed his feelings despite everything else. If only the children will realise this.
You know, it's you can see the expression on his face that he's worried and like kinda hard to let go of her kinda expression. Looking through the photos, it's like he's worried how she's going to be in the future and like worried if the wedding can go smoothly or not. And stuffs like that.
This uncle of mine, I've known him like for my entire life. Of course, I think he knew me when I was still in my mom's womb. A very fatherly figure. Was one of the very few family members who sticked and defended my family when my father passed away. Like everyone abandoned us that time, but he was with us most of the time.
Unfortunately, sometimes doing good deeds doesn't always have good consequences. His family is like a wreck kinda thing. I'm not passing judgement but basically, his family kinda still stay with him because he gives them money but he doesnt have any status at all in his family. They asked him to pay for things more than he can earn, like different kinds of mortgages and all and forcing him to do different kind of jobs so that they can have whatever they want which could be considered luxury. It's kinda sad actually.
But still, through it all, he still loves his family especially his children. The pictures definitely showed his feelings despite everything else. If only the children will realise this.
Confusion and despair
Lately, or should I say almost a month now, I was haunted by this guy from my church. He's just a normal guy and a super nice guy. BUT, I just don't know why I am really scared of him . Like really scared kinda thing. When I think of him, I will have cold sweat kinda thing. Like I will feel helpless and really frightened. And even when I'm typing about this now, I can feel the fear. I seriously don't understand why.
Talked to my friend about this and we settled with it's one of those times where you just venged your depression to a particular someone and he happened to be the unfortunate one. But then again, when she saw him, she thought that he's weird also but in an unexplainable way. So, what can I say? However, she doesn't have the feelings that I have. But seriously, this guy is really haunting me.
Because of him, I tried not going to the Sunday mass but I have no choice because I need to meet my friend who's leaving soon for good. So, I had to bear to the thoughts of him suddenly popping up and sat beside me. And of course, chances are very high when the community is so small. There was this time, he sat beside me and I tell you, the whole time, I couldn't even concentrate during the mass.
So imagine how scared am I of this guy?
So, today as I didn't go to the Sunday one but the Saturday one, I thought I wouldn't meet him for sure. When I was leaving, there he was, standing but was not looking at my direction. Chills went down my spine. Was in utter despair for a moment before my brain worked out the math of leaving the church FAST. So, went to return the book quickly and practically like took super long strides out of the church as fast as I could while of course trying to keep my cool and not freak out.
I seriously feel guilty and scared at the same time towards this guy. Scared for no reasons. Maybe subconciously I know something is wrong but conciously nothing seems wrong. And guilty for feeling scared about him.
Am totally freaked out now just by talking about him and thinking about all the encounters with him. Seriously bad sign. Need help to solve this mystery.
Talked to my friend about this and we settled with it's one of those times where you just venged your depression to a particular someone and he happened to be the unfortunate one. But then again, when she saw him, she thought that he's weird also but in an unexplainable way. So, what can I say? However, she doesn't have the feelings that I have. But seriously, this guy is really haunting me.
Because of him, I tried not going to the Sunday mass but I have no choice because I need to meet my friend who's leaving soon for good. So, I had to bear to the thoughts of him suddenly popping up and sat beside me. And of course, chances are very high when the community is so small. There was this time, he sat beside me and I tell you, the whole time, I couldn't even concentrate during the mass.
So imagine how scared am I of this guy?
So, today as I didn't go to the Sunday one but the Saturday one, I thought I wouldn't meet him for sure. When I was leaving, there he was, standing but was not looking at my direction. Chills went down my spine. Was in utter despair for a moment before my brain worked out the math of leaving the church FAST. So, went to return the book quickly and practically like took super long strides out of the church as fast as I could while of course trying to keep my cool and not freak out.
I seriously feel guilty and scared at the same time towards this guy. Scared for no reasons. Maybe subconciously I know something is wrong but conciously nothing seems wrong. And guilty for feeling scared about him.
Am totally freaked out now just by talking about him and thinking about all the encounters with him. Seriously bad sign. Need help to solve this mystery.
Reaffirmation
Went to church today. Church has the yearly festival going on. All the church members were barbecuing and.............................I couldn't take part because of the stupid exams queuing up. Hmph!! It's always like this. I wonder will I ever have the chance to join them during these six years. Sigh.........
Never mind. Because of the festival, the mass was held in the big church rather than the chapel. Waited outside the chapel with a few Philipinos and talked to one of them. Very nice people indeed. Very welcoming people.
Anyway, when we entered the church, a shock just swept over me because there was, Mr Mrcek, my physiology lab teacher, standing with his wife and kids. I was of course confused what I should do. Wanted to exchange greetings but didn't know how so chose to just sit down and greet him after mass. But, I didn't do in the end as well. Don't know why. Like there was no right time kinda thing.
However, that's not the main thing that happened today. As Father William wasn't around, so the mass was preceeded by the spanish priest and you bet, I had to really strain my ears and my parieto-occipital association area to understand whatever he's saying. Then suddenly while we were lifting up our prayers, the priest said, "O Lord, You've brought us till here and made us who we are, we know that You'll continue to bring us on." Okay, those weren't his exact words but the meaning was something like that. I was like, my jaw almost fell off. I mean, it's like my thoughts were being read kinda thing. Then I realised that God was actually talking to me through the priest. So I understand that He will be with me and guide me through the exams that are coming up.
I realised like how many times God tried to reaffirm my faith and was encouraging and comforting me through this super tiring and straining and torturous journey. First, the Philipino who talked to me and told me how hard this opportunity is and how I can actually help people in the future. Then, there was the priest. And like countless times, during these past few days while I was feeling super stressed about the coming exam, He was there always, showing me signs and talking to me, comforting me and like was saying, "My daughter, be strong. You're going to be fine. I want you to be an instrument for me in the future."
Thank you Lord. Thank you for all the signs You sent to me. Thank you for reaffirming my faith.
Never mind. Because of the festival, the mass was held in the big church rather than the chapel. Waited outside the chapel with a few Philipinos and talked to one of them. Very nice people indeed. Very welcoming people.
Anyway, when we entered the church, a shock just swept over me because there was, Mr Mrcek, my physiology lab teacher, standing with his wife and kids. I was of course confused what I should do. Wanted to exchange greetings but didn't know how so chose to just sit down and greet him after mass. But, I didn't do in the end as well. Don't know why. Like there was no right time kinda thing.
However, that's not the main thing that happened today. As Father William wasn't around, so the mass was preceeded by the spanish priest and you bet, I had to really strain my ears and my parieto-occipital association area to understand whatever he's saying. Then suddenly while we were lifting up our prayers, the priest said, "O Lord, You've brought us till here and made us who we are, we know that You'll continue to bring us on." Okay, those weren't his exact words but the meaning was something like that. I was like, my jaw almost fell off. I mean, it's like my thoughts were being read kinda thing. Then I realised that God was actually talking to me through the priest. So I understand that He will be with me and guide me through the exams that are coming up.
I realised like how many times God tried to reaffirm my faith and was encouraging and comforting me through this super tiring and straining and torturous journey. First, the Philipino who talked to me and told me how hard this opportunity is and how I can actually help people in the future. Then, there was the priest. And like countless times, during these past few days while I was feeling super stressed about the coming exam, He was there always, showing me signs and talking to me, comforting me and like was saying, "My daughter, be strong. You're going to be fine. I want you to be an instrument for me in the future."
Thank you Lord. Thank you for all the signs You sent to me. Thank you for reaffirming my faith.
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